- Image via WikipediaThere’s a saying in 12 step programs that “recovery is for people who want it, not for those who need it.” This is sad but true. Everybody knows a problem drinker or drug user who is ruining their life, but have no intention of stopping their self-destructive behavior. You can talk to them until you are blue in the face, but until they themselves are ready to change, nothing you can say will reach them.From crisis to crisis they roll along, leaving a path of destruction in their wake. Not only do they hurt themselves, but very often the people who are closest to them. Being the parent, sibling or loved one of an addict is one of the hardest jobs on earth. They are suffering from a disease that no amount of medicine can cure, and if it is allowed to run it’s course, as they say in AA, it has only three possible destinations: jails, institutions or death. Watching someone you love heading down this path is agonizing.
There’s a saying in 12 step programs that “recovery is for people who want it, not for those who need it.” This is sad but true. Everybody knows a problem drinker or drug user who is ruining their life, but have no intention of stopping their self-destructive behavior. You can talk to them until you are blue in the face, but until they themselves are ready to change, nothing you can say will reach them.
From crisis to crisis they roll along, leaving a path of destruction in their wake. Not only do they hurt themselves, but very often the people who are closest to them. Being the parent, sibling or loved one of an addict is one of the hardest jobs on earth. They are suffering from a disease that no amount of medicine can cure, and if it is allowed to run it’s course, as they say in AA, it has only three possible destinations: jails, institutions or death. Watching someone you love heading down this path is agonizing.
Unfortunately, sometimes you have to let them. An alcoholic or addict must ‘hit bottom’ before they will be willing to turn themselves around. Every time you bail this person out or lend them money or in any way provide a cushion for them to avoid the consequences of their behavior you are actually prolonging the problem. This is called ‘enabling.’
Not until life in their disease becomes miserable enough will they be willing to do whatever it takes to get clean and sober. The help is out there; there are programs that really do work. But only if the addict really wants it. For them to reach this transformational stage, it might take some truly ‘tough love’ from the people who love them the most.
It can be an enormous challenge to keep yourself from enabling, but there is help for you, too, in this situation. Counseling or self-help groups for the families of addicts can be very helpful. One of the best is called Al-Anon, and there are chapters everywhere. It’s an opportunity for everyone to win.